• The Insight That Sparked Thanks for the Feedback: The session began by examining the core insight that led to the book. Sheila Heen shared that although feedback was consistently identified as a top “difficult conversation,” focusing on giving feedback better did not solve the issue.

• Initial Problem: Givers found that even after training, their feedback was still not well received and often concluded the effort wasn’t worth it.

• The Core Insight: Co-author Doug Stone recognized that the real leverage point in any feedback exchange is the receiver, not the giver.

• A New Direction: This led to a focus on understanding the human challenges of receiving feedback and how triggered reactions interfere with learning. Improving one’s ability to receive feedback emerged as a distinct and essential leadership skill.

• The Fundamental Dilemma of Receiving Feedback: At the center of feedback difficulty is a tension between two fundamental human needs.

• The Need to Learn and Grow: Research shows that mastery, improvement, and progress contribute significantly to well-being. This need suggests we should welcome feedback.

• The Need for Acceptance: Humans also want to be valued and respected for who they are right now.

• Feedback creates a direct conflict between these needs. Being told we need to change can feel like a threat to belonging or identity. This tension explains why learning is inherently uncomfortable.

• The ACE Framework for Understanding Feedback: Heen introduced a framework that separates feedback into three types, each serving a different purpose.

• Appreciation: Connects and motivates. Signals “I see you, you matter.” Lack of appreciation undermines a person’s ability to receive coaching or evaluation.

• Coaching: Helps someone grow more effective or skillful. Can include guidance, correction, modeling, or suggestions.

• Evaluation: Rates or aligns someone against expectations or standards. Often, the most emotionally charged and is frequently confused with coaching.

• Strategies for Strengthening Feedback Culture at the Individual Level: Heen emphasized that most people ask for feedback in ways that produce vague, unhelpful answers. The more effective approach is to ask: “What’s one thing…?”

• Examples include:
  ◦ “What’s one thing I could change that would make a difference for you?”
  ◦ “What’s one thing I’m doing — or not doing — that gets in the way?”
  ◦ “What’s one thing we could improve about our morning meeting?”

• This question produces specific, actionable coaching and signals genuine openness to improvement.

• Strategies for Teams: Building Norms and Safety: Effective feedback requires psychological safety, where people can speak without fear of blame or negative repercussions.

• Public vs. Private Contexts: Appreciation is powerful publicly, but coaching and evaluation require higher trust and often belong in a private setting.

• The “Getting the Best Out of Me” Template: Helps teammates clarify preferences around receiving feedback, including pet peeves, what makes them feel appreciated, and how to recognize when they are triggered.

• Onboarding: The most critical conversation happens between a new team member and their manager, as that relationship anchors their early experience.

• Strategies for Leaders: Modeling Effective Receiving: The fastest way to shift a team’s feedback culture is for leaders to openly model how to receive feedback skillfully.

• Role Modeling: Asking for feedback and naming one’s own reactions (“I’m having a reaction — I probably don’t understand this yet.”) sets a norm for others.

• The Megaphone Effect: Leaders must remember that hierarchy amplifies their words — a casual comment may be felt as heavy evaluation.

• Listening for Indirect Feedback: Because people often hesitate to give upward feedback, leaders must listen for subtle cues and invite more candid conversation.

• Additional Key Concepts from Thanks for the Feedback: The session also highlighted several important ideas from the book.

• The Three Triggers:
1. Truth Triggers: “That’s wrong.”
2. Relationship Triggers: “Why is this person giving me feedback?”
3. Identity Triggers: “What does this say about who I am?”

• Individual Sensitivity: Emotional sensitivity to feedback varies by up to 3000% across individuals. The same comment can land as trivial or deeply upsetting depending on the person. As Doug Stone notes, “If you don’t know whether you’re sensitive, you’re not.”